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Anonymous said: Hey this isn't really a question I just wanted to give you props for being so sensitive and thorough in terms of how you reply to the questions people have sent you. I think it's really amazing and shows that you have a lot of empathy, perception, and criticality on the subject of how sex is perceived and the interpersonal aspect of how you communicate your needs with a partner but also need to be aware of a partner's needs. You're the BEST

Thanks for your kind words.  I really do try to give good, helpful answers to the questions I post, and I’m glad people find them helpful.  As they say, it takes two to tango, so most sexual issues can’t be fixed without help from both parties.

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Text 18 Jul 1 note

Anonymous said: hi i want to ask u a difficult question which is me and my bf never had sex , i never fucked him and he never fucked me we just kiss hug blow and touch put it cock to cock and cum so is that considerd having sex because i kinda do he on the other hand wants more and ignore me when i say we had sex .

Okay, there are two separate issues going on here that I will try to address.

First, there are many different kinds of sex.  You and your boyfriend may not have had anal sex, but you’ve clearly had oral sex and from your description it sounds like everything else you do has the intimacy of sex.  So I understand why you would consider it sex, and I also understand why your boyfriend may not if he is of the school of thought that thinks it’s only really “sex” if there’s anal penetration.

Now, for the last part of your question, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are not in agreement about what exactly you do and don’t want to do together sexually.  That is tricky, and the only real way to deal with it is for the two of you to have a frank, open, and honest discussion.  If you are not ready to take things further you shouldn’t feel pressured to do so.  However, you also need to be aware of how being willing to do some things but not others could be sending mixed signals to your boyfriend, especially if he’s interested in having anal sex with you.  If he does indeed only consider it “sex” if there’s penetration involved, and that is something he wants to do with you but you are unwilling, it probably feels like salt in an open wound for you to say that you’re currently having sex already.

Again, you do not have to do ANYTHING that you don’t feel comfortable doing with this guy.  But sex is certainly a component of any relationship, and if your boyfriend’s sexual needs aren’t being met then you will both have to face the possibility that maybe you aren’t right for one another.  As I said, the only real way to deal with this is to have an open, honest discussion about it.  And this discussion should be had when you aren’t fooling around, so hormones aren’t affecting what either of you say.

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